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fresh start [13 Dec 2011|12:13am]
Here I am again. I have realized I do this a lot. Start something and then.. well.. you know.. don't really finish it. Lets see. I feel pretty clear headed tonight. I quit smoking *cheers*. I am trying slowly to figure out what I am really doing on this planet. is it too late for me? hopefully not. i noticed in my likes on this site i put "being 20" man, and to think I will be fucking 30 in 4 years. whats going on? what happened. its as if i blinked and boom I am here. To me, everyone was right. They say if you blink, its over, or you're older. I forget the exact phrase but I guess both work really. I read a quote from a funny author. He wrote a book about quitting drinking and smoking. He said, " you must return to the person you were before you started smoking". Hmmm who was I? Lets see. More energetic, more out going. Young. I mean I am essentially still young but that is quickly fading away with time. Optimistic. Hopeful. Can I return to that person? After all of these years? All of the things that I have been through. Maybe yes. Maybe no. But I truly believe that if I do not make a conscience effort to be something that I always have wanted to be, or at least the fucking BEST possible me then what else am I going to be proud of. And am I always going to look back and think GOD DAMN IT. why did i never do anything with myself. why why why why why. I mean I already think that now. I just feel sometimes I am a free spirit. I love life. I don't do average things. I don't follow the same ways as everyone else. I just am. And I have always been happy with that, and I still am. That is me and it always will be. But I want to take the world by it's baby maker and do something. It is so easy for me to say. I am worried that I never had that encouragement in my younger life where anyone said YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. I don't really remember anyone ever really pressing that idea. I never had any thoughts of college even when I was in high school I just didn't think it was something I was going to do. Or maybe i thought to myself that, that day would never come. Maybe I thought I was living in some alter universe where nothing really happened and time stood still. Or, maybe I wasted too much time trying to escape my feelings that hide deep inside myself. whatever it is. whatever it could be. whatever it was. i need to leave it alone. for good. just go away already. that's what i want to say. just leave my fucking brain alone so I can be me. I guess not dealing with your problems and using drugs and alcohol to mask all of the feelings of underachieving, missing, hoping everything. it is all to easy to pick up the bottle and hello quietness. goodbye insanity of thoughts. To me, if i keep this mentality I will be 55 years old, alone and miserable. Oh and probably have liver failure among many of my other vital organs being pickled as i sit with my jack and cigarette. no thanks. No offense to her, but I will not be like my mother. I just can't. She drinks. She smokes. She is sometimes.. selfish. When I call, and I cry, you don't hand the phone to your fiance to handle it. I am 26 yes. But I will always want my mom. AHHHHH. this feels so good to do. I miss this journal. It really helps. I always talk about guys in here. But, for the first time I have actually found someone who is nothing like anyone i have ever met... in a man. Not even my step dad. And especially not my father. Speaking of him. Why do I keep checking his facebook obsessively. shots anyone? jk! Austin, is the most amazing person. He is such a caring person. He does not need drugs or any kind of escape. I can't spend a day without him. I am totally 100% engulfed in him. His creature if that makes sense. He is just so sure of himself and everything that he does. And I envy that. But instead of envying it I want to learn from him. How he ticks. what makes him the way he is. and how the hell i can get even an ounce of that. It really is true. Life is what YOU make it. That means ME right? Oh ya no one ever told me that either hehehe. Enough of the blame. On to the better. Better life or bust. Here I come.
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random [19 Jun 2007|09:25pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

i am thinking a lot lately about the medical field. and the strange thing is, until i got this job, I neveeeeer thought i would say that. but you know i dont want to be a girl bhind the desk i want to hire her, and take care of the patients i only take appointments for. oh yes, and when we move out, my first dogs name will be ruby. yes this is a random post but i do not want to forget this feeling, or that name . ok thats all for now.

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.... [28 Apr 2007|12:48am]
I dont think i can say when this happens or even try to pin point when you feel this way but there is a time in life that you sit back and really think about your life. I can say at this time in my life i have done that. There are more than a hand full of things that i just want to sit down and talk to somebody with. Somebody who is trained to help. Not that I have mental impairments but I think there are alot of unresolved issues that I have pent up that need to be released. This is quite the minor approach to letting it out aside from my boyfriend whom i drowned with my babbelings. When I was younger I can remember always in the summer when i went to new jersey talking to a couseler. really i base alot of my rational thoughts on the basis of talking it out with a complete stranger. there is a part of me that craves that again. it has been a very long time since i have ever expressed my feeling freely to anyone with out knowledge of me as a person. the feeling you get from talking to someone you dont know may be awkward to some but to be is oddly enough so comfortable. and at the same time very intriging.(sp?) i like the fact they can not judge me on charater or backround just the basis of what i tell them. first and for most they are not there to just purely just to voice their opinion and most of the time you are with a trained professional. now when i was growing up, my nanny (grandma) worked at a shelter for runaway kids. in this shelter there were conselors and people who would watch and make sure they went to school. the beauty of it all is during thier stay at (harbor house) they would meet with thier parents and acounseler and talk out thier probelms eventually leading to them going home. It was an organization that i have never seen before, but so brillant at the same time. I played a part in this house. My Nanny was a worker there for probabally 10 and some odd years. I played a part because I saw all the kids, older than I at the time, i saw thier situation and all they went through. but i went through couseling by myself. my mother was in florida when i was visiting for the summer. i can remember when i was very young a couseler lynn made me draw a picture of my family an describe it. At first I hated talking to people because I never thought there was a problem. Now in my life that i dont have that luxury I crave it. I am here to vent right now. I am beyond overwheming my boyfriend with my thoughts, yes this help but its just typing and no it does not talk back. I really need the feedback of someone out of my reach and who knows nothing of me and everythig of what i tell them. I dont need meds or anything like that and i am not seeking a simple closure. i am seeking coming to terms with, i belive as of today my grandmothers death. which will be 4 years. yes, it still is like yesterday. i really have learned though threw time to well avoid the situation. like i do most things and you know what i want to know why i do these things. because i avoid a lot of things and to me it does not seem right. i want to be able to say maybe that i dont accept these things, and yes maybe it is not fair like my real father not calling me or emailing me on my 22nd birthday but i want to say ok yes that i terrible but here is what i do about it. instead of always bringing it up when i am upset. these things must be setteld in order for me to carry on a baggage-less life. and i think really this is what i need, even if you were to call it some odd way of closure. than call it what you must. I think until atleast i try it again something that i was accustomed tofor so long and there have been so many unsaid things about how i feel that i will more than likely feel like i do, which is void.
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ah yes [04 Feb 2007|03:25am]
i am back but only because i am here for me. Not many livejournal people can say that. I can say at this very moment i am so content. I am so glad I am here and with kevin. There are so many things that make us such a great pair. I can say at this time there has not been a realtionship in which I have felt totally myself. To me that is greater than anything. All of my friends I have ever had have accepted me, no matter the volume of crazyness.; I am me, I can say on the down side I want to be as good as of a friend as i want my friends to be.
. And sometimes I do not portray that, I mean to but i do not follow through. I have no words for the few people that are important my life. NO words because no word would due them justice. I am at fault for not showing the way i feel thorough and through and for that i will clean up the mess. Meaning how I feel is how I'll act. I am almost 22 ( in 2 months) and I am sending a Valentines Day card to my mom. AND I am so excited because it is my first aside from school pressure when I was younger. And I think randomly this is our first valentines and I think
This year or any year or occasion no matter the price. What matters is the person, and that they are there and how they effect you. I am me because of my mother and stepfather, I am blessed with now knwoing the difference between lust and caring for somone which is
something we all know called Love. Even though my state right now I am true. I love this man, 21 if you can say man totally and fully becuae he makes me feel loved and he makes me feel its great to be myself and i love that to say the least.
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[06 Sep 2006|06:25am]
i havent been here for awhile but its not like i dont have anything to say and that even sometimes i think about writing in my real jounal and yet i have so much to say but nothing to let my pen leak the information. or when my hands set to the keyboard i draw a blank because really for the first time i feel like i am stuck in a hurricane of emotions and episodes yet everything is calm as a summers day or even calmer to say the feeling of when you rise in the morning and see its gloomy outside and the trickle of rain brushes your window, and for some reason your put into a euphorically calm state. thats how i feel. almost like the intensity of a tornado but how calm it is before it hits. almost so calm its eerie, yet everything is about to be blowm away.
inside i feel wonderful about my situation with my relationhip with kevin and almost it is a feather filled pillow cushining the whirl wind of events that are occuring. not saying that if he wasnt here i would be a beligerant mess but saying i am so thankful there is an amount, a great amount at that of comfort and security in myself knowing that i am doing something right and honest and that in return, without asking or pressure or trying i recieve full circle the same thing. and for me and maybe for whoever one thing can do that. its amazing the way honesty and knowing without trying you can be yourself insdei and out. its so unreal and new and rewarding and amazing that it almost draws me to insecurity of well 'its too good to be true in time this will crumble' i think that in an instance but shune the thought just as quick because i have the privledge of something maybe few or noone will experience. and maybe its because they or the person they are with wont allow it but i comfortable with saying i am so caught off guard with this that it is a almost... a natural euphoric high.
i dont know the time frame or how long or how many experiences it takes to learn a lesson, or how many times it takes to do somethign bad and then get caught as if it was the first time and i dont know at what age you are able to say i know myself this is me. maybe you never fully understand youself, but to say you never will or arent learning is lying to your pride and self.
you dont feel learning or age, when you are my age, and sometimes the things that i think in my solitude suprise me. but i appreciate that i do THINK,REGRET,LEARN,and reconcider. this is one of the many things i love about me.
tonight i felt like telling kevin how comfortable he makes me feel. that was easy. but telling him that he is the first for a lot of emotions and feelings really was eay but ifelt apprehensive too. because it is so honest that it even scares me. because its about me. the more i grow not even like its every day that i realize soemthing monumental, but im growing, and oh man is it amazing and beautiful. and insane at the same time.
i think my logic, acceptance and somprehensive view of reality and of the future and present become more apparent to me not recently but gradually it is hitting me. the true basics of survival as a successful happy content person. and i am so happy that in the past i was passive about what was going on yeah it hurt but i never dwelled.
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[24 May 2006|02:03pm]
I am computer illiterate.

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[24 May 2006|01:41pm]
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[19 May 2006|03:11pm]
Last time Kevin and I were at my work we got in trouble for too much PDA isnt that retarded like we are in 5th grade like NO JOHNNY DONT TOUCH JANE IN HER TRA-LA-LA NO JANE DONT TOUCH JOHNNY IN HIS DING-DING-DONG

I dont know what song that is from but its this sick 80s song talking about tralala and ding ding dong ok im done
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[18 May 2006|02:36pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I just got through reading some of my old entrys and really they are so sad. Not literally but sad as in, there are a lot of big gaps in my life where i regret not writing in this thing. In my real journal I even neglected it. I think it was a subconsious thing. Like if you have nothing new or exciting or happy to say you just haveno ambition to write. Then I look at some of the things before Justin and I seemed to have so much passion in what I was writing even if it were bitter. The things I see that I wrote were boland compared to the rest of my entries. Another strange thing is I don't have any thing for 2004. I think that is very strange.

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I think I have issues.hah. That looks weird to type. But I am always so iffy about everything. I really do like Kevin alot and I think he and I have a lot to offer each other. Not necessarily money wise or anything like that but a comfortable release if that makes any sense. I try to think back to the time when I was with Justin and I remember just feeling like everything that I did was going to hurt him in some way and so I was forced to lie to him so much, which in the end made me feel bad not only about myself but about our relationship and WHY i could never be honest with him. Yes, I was afraid that I would loose him or whatever because of the things that I did. Kevin and I were talking and he was telling me basically that he and his ex had broke up for all these reasons, she put her hands on him trying to choke him, and through stuff at him, and treated him bad by staying out with other guys getting drunk and being careless. The starneg thing is, the next girlfriend minus the choking part and throwing stuff would be me. I think in order to be truly happy with your life, you have to be truly happy with yourself. I'm finding it hard to do. Kevin and I were talking a few nights ago and I think I had said too many things about Justin, and he continued to tell me that if I have unresolved issues with Justin or how I feel about him, or if I think that things can be better with him that we shouldnt go any farther; and I agreed.

But I think I just was so used to being there physically for Justin because he has been through so much, that yes I do miss him but no, I dont miss being with him. I mean somethings. like the sex and laughing and stuff, but the bad always tended to out weigh the good. or it would be good and the be bad and we would have to makeup for the bad. it was more of a cycle. and i think that we both just got so comfortable with each other in the last 4 years that we thought we were all we could do for each other. im just typing what comes off my mind. i just feel weird is the only word i can say right now. i hate being like this. I remember when I was just dating like that faggot taren or anything like that even anyone at all i never had any feelings of like what if this what if that. I guess once you are in a relationship when you get out of it you pick apart everythign else because you never want to be there again. or feel like that and now i catch myself over analyzing so much that i want to have nothing to do with anything or anyone. thats pretty sad. i mean its not i guess its sort of normal or atleast i cant do anything to control it. i love waking up next to kevin but i am so afraid that one day i will wake up and he will be like you know what no, i dont think this is going to work out because i did the same thing to justin well along the same lines, and i havent ever really gotten burned like i did to justin i guess im really guilty about everything. the cheating, me putting my hands on him, the terrible fights everything hiding thigs from him. it was terrible and now i think that i have such remorse that its affecting my relationship with kevin.does that makes sense? who knows. i just feel like i have done wrong and that maybe i dont deserve right, or right cantpossibly be right. i dont know im rambling. but it feels nice to atleast vent it out. It just hurts me to think that Justin cared/cares for me so much and i totally crushed him. i guess im just feeling bad. really bad. and now i hvae this thing going with kevin and im afraid things are going to end up like that. but i dont feel the same way about kevin asi did justin. justin was a friend before anything, and i think really, thats what messed me up. because some of the things that i did for him big or small he never really gave me gratitude for. i dont know i needed this before work. i really actually should have saved it for after work but i ended up sitting down and typing and this came out. sometimes its so unexpected the thigns that i type.

im done for now.

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[12 May 2006|12:26pm]
wednesday the 10th.
remember that day ;0)

also, the 8th of May
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[09 May 2006|05:58pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

wild turkey is bad.
everyone repeat
wild turkey is bad

i got my period

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[07 May 2006|04:41pm]

Silent Hill is a lame movie. Granted we got there 15 minutes into it but we stayed for an hour and Kevin ended up falling asleep on me and I was laughing along with the couple next to me becuase it was so lame. Mutants and things are just not scarey to me. I'd like to see an American Haunting though. After we left the movie we went to Walmart and bought a dvd cable and watched Saw 2. It was pretty good but I liked the first one better. I need to get my period an dI also need to start writing down when I get them because I get so worried around this time. You see I had slept with Justin like, maybe a little less than a month ago. I'm always worrying about this damn thing and it really stresses me out. Ugh, I dont even know why I am talking about it but I have been waititng for it to come for a couple of days now. Even though I am clueless as to when I had it last month I hope it shows up soon because soon I will start freaking out.

I need to get on birth control.
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[03 May 2006|01:13am]
Tonight I will try to find something amusing to do with Kevin. I am brain storming. He has had a bad day at work. :o(.

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[02 May 2006|05:15pm]
[ mood | cold ]

woooooorrrrrrrrrrking today. I offered to work today and now i have to. which sucks but i know i have to work. blah. fuck responsibility.

Kevin and I need something to do that is exciting and low budget, because we are poor folks tryin to have a gosh darn good time. ok I got carried away with that. Any ideas? We get off of work around 10-11 at night. And, I feel like if we hang out at my house, hormones are going to get the best of us. lol. Because laying there on his chest is so very nice. Anyhow, enough happy thoughts..lol..I need to get ready for work.

Yesterday there were no Mexicans at my work. It was amazing. Because of the protest they stayed home and drank servesas (sp?) you get the point. So we had all Americans in there, and a Russian. Actually some of our customers were quite disturbed. They like the mexican cooking. Ok I'm babbling to avoid getting ready.


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[01 May 2006|06:05pm]
[ mood | good ]

What is it about girls that whenever something out of the ordinary comes up they freak out and analyze everything. Well maybe not every girl but I do it quite often.

I talked to Kevin last night about the whole thing I was worried about. He called me a worry wart. He said he didn't even think twice about it and the more than likly if he hadn't been with his girlfriend for 3 years then he too would be different. So all of my worrying has come to a halut. MAN after I told him it took a minute to set in and then I was like pfewww! I know I am such a loser.
Needless to say things are going well. Even though I am so poor.

Yesterday marked 2 years since my Nanny passed away. I didn't really do anything to remember her but she is always in my thoughts anyway. I tried to call my mom and make sure that she was ok and that she wasn't too upset but all she wanted to do was argue with me about money. It's really sad how consumed everyone is with money. It's pretty sick if you ask me.

I spent 15$ on a half of a tank of gas. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

My dad just called me. I always know that he wants to talk when he calls me around this time. He's on his way to Tampa for a business call and wanted to talk to me about life. He is trying to get me to go into the medical field and to go back to college. Sometimes I feel so bad about myself because we have had this talk so many times and for some people thier parents dont even care what the hell they do with thier life. and I just sit here. I just really need to get my money situation settled. I mean it's not as easy as it seems, I do work late I know thats not an excuse because it can be done. I dont know. I want to get this whole DUI thing done with so I can refocus my time on myself and my life and not so much about paying all of these damn bills. I hate it. I havent even told my dad, and I dont think I ever will. I think it would really hurt him and i know from then on he would always worry about me being irresponsible again. So for now I will keep it out of the books.

Hopefully this summer I can pay off all of my debts and soon I will be able to go back to school. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. I just need to stop procrastinating so much and just get it over with. If I don't go in for a specific major, then for just my basic classes. I mean I think x-ray techs are neat and sonograms and things like that. Who knows. My goal is to at least be out of college by 25, 26. Gosh. When I write 25 it seems so far away but its less than 4 years away. thats strange.

I need to know how I can get grant money so that I can still be able to get books and somehow pay my car and stuff without working so much.
Speaking of money, I need to get ready for work. ANd I made some wonderful grouper salad, like tuna salad but better, I think I will have some before the daily grind.

ps. kevin is still awesome. :o)

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[29 Apr 2006|09:02pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

Today it's sort of gross out. I wanted to wake up and go get some sun but that doesn't look like it's in the stars for me today. I have been having a wonderful time might I add.
Lets see. I havent really thought about updating every time we do something because I dont know it seems sort of obsessive. Tuesday we went to the movies we saw Scarey Movie 4. I just got deja vu. Maybe I was dreaming about writing about this at some point. The movie was pretty funny. After I got off of work the next day he made it my decision what to do, and I am pretty clueless on ideas of what to do, I odnt know it doesnt seem like there is anything to do after 11, which sucks becuase I practically work everyday so after 11 is my only option. Anyway we went over to st. pete beach and hung out. We 'borrowed' one of the Cabanna sticks that were all locked up and we took about 10 minutes to figure the damn thing out, and fight the wind but when we got it together we sat in the chairs and talked for awhile. It was really normal feeling.
We ended up back at my house and continued talking, until 5 in the morning.
Last night we hung out, had a few beers here and talked and watched tv and fell asleep on each other, at 7 this morning we woke up, I said he was welcome to stay on the couch, but he declined and I took him to his car.
Its nice to think that hes not sleezy. I told him the car I like to take the easy road out, and I was glad he had his head on his shoulders right. He agreed with me.

now we are off to my work sooon to show him off. hehe. i think he might be nervous.
He's pretty quite till you get to know him. I like that a lot.

bye for now matieeeee

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[28 Apr 2006|06:45pm]
download Mary, by White stripes its cute. there is a lot of awesome songs.
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[28 Apr 2006|06:21pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I need an opinion.
Here is the deal. You see I have started to see this guy Kevin. When you are just starting to date do you get like this really overwhelming feeling like you are in 5th grade again? Because for some reason I dont think that I have felt this way about anyone, well I have had feelings of course for the people that I have dated, but this is more of an overwhelmingly easy going/normal/good/nice feeling. Does that make sense? anddd does it make sense that I am even talking about this right now? I just feel like I cant really keep talking to my friend Patrick about it because even though he is gay and it's cool to talk with him about it i feel like everything I say is about Kevin haha. I feel all giddy like a retard. Well not really but I am very giddy. I guess I really haven't had a good normal relationship come to think of it. Im either playing cat and mouse with the guy or they are so overwhelming it turns me off. I would really like to know if anyone would care to tell me how it feels to really, hm how should I say this, not so much to love someone but to know that you arent actually wasting your time.
Its like I'm overly anxious to find out what this whole thing is going to come out to be.. I wonder if that is normal. Probably.
When we first started talking he mentioned something about us not being rebounds to each other and now I think about it all the time like 'man maybe he is right and thats why I feel so good' but honestly he is very normal and easy going, it's kind of strange. You know almost too good to be true so you're waiting for something to go wrong. everyone probally does that. I know I'm rambling but that is what this thing is for. someone comment and throw me a life saver.
Also, check out the white stripes. They are amazing.I don't to Dolly Parton but they redid this song called Jolene and it is so amazing a couple more are Hotel Yorba, astro is a good song. When I first listend to them, I was like man they are different. I had a totally different view of them once I listend to the songs that weren't on the radio. There are a lot of good bluesy(sp?)/bluegrass old school sounding songs, if that made sense. not that it really matters but he was named the jimi hendrix of this era. even if he wasnt named it, he is still amazing playing on his PLASTIC guitar. that was actually sold at motgomery rewards. yeah. POS. anywho. I need to get ready for woooooork. yuck.

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[26 Apr 2006|09:06am]
kevin is very awesome.

very. :)
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[08 Sep 2005|05:10pm]
[ mood | okay ]

This journal is strange. In a way it's like my out in the world sometimes. I mean, I know people can read it, but I also know that some people will never be able to see it. I wish I had more friends that I can rely on. I can not wait to move. I think moving will be the best thing for me. Away from everything in St. Petersburg, and everyone.

Jason called me last night which I found really strange. Not only because he called me but because I could not stop thinking about it all night. I dont even know why either, I mean, I guess we are still on good terms, he said he just called to see how I was, and what I was up to.. he told me about his new job, and some other conversation fillers, and then since I was a work he said to call him when I was not busy. And I almost did when I got out of work.

You see this sounds terrible to the eye of anyone reading this who does not know Justin and my relationship it's not terrible, but its not fairytale either. We have moved too fast, for me I guess, because he seems to be fine, we live togehter and always are around each other. It may not sound bad but don't ever try it. In a strange way I feel trapped.

I guess it all depends on your siuation. I mean some people can be perfectly happy with ONE person thier whole life. But for me, I want some experience. Maybe not experience, but I want to know that I actually seeked out my true love. I thikn since this is Justins first girlfriend that he doesnt want to let me go. I think first relationships and virginity are really big factors in long relatiosnhips too.
You think you cant possibly find anyone better.
but you will never know.
Im talking to myself. well typing. and really thats nto even my problem. I just need my own personal space.

i wish stefanie was home.
her and josh are my only friends all the time. haha
my best friend, and his girlfriend.
go figure.

maybe ill finish later.

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