I just got through reading some of my old entrys and really they are so sad. Not literally but sad as in, there are a lot of big gaps in my life where i regret not writing in this thing. In my real journal I even neglected it. I think it was a subconsious thing. Like if you have nothing new or exciting or happy to say you just haveno ambition to write. Then I look at some of the things before Justin and I seemed to have so much passion in what I was writing even if it were bitter. The things I see that I wrote were boland compared to the rest of my entries. Another strange thing is I don't have any thing for 2004. I think that is very strange.
I really don't know what is wrong with me. I think I have issues.hah. That looks weird to type. But I am always so iffy about everything. I really do like Kevin alot and I think he and I have a lot to offer each other. Not necessarily money wise or anything like that but a comfortable release if that makes any sense. I try to think back to the time when I was with Justin and I remember just feeling like everything that I did was going to hurt him in some way and so I was forced to lie to him so much, which in the end made me feel bad not only about myself but about our relationship and WHY i could never be honest with him. Yes, I was afraid that I would loose him or whatever because of the things that I did. Kevin and I were talking and he was telling me basically that he and his ex had broke up for all these reasons, she put her hands on him trying to choke him, and through stuff at him, and treated him bad by staying out with other guys getting drunk and being careless. The starneg thing is, the next girlfriend minus the choking part and throwing stuff would be me. I think in order to be truly happy with your life, you have to be truly happy with yourself. I'm finding it hard to do. Kevin and I were talking a few nights ago and I think I had said too many things about Justin, and he continued to tell me that if I have unresolved issues with Justin or how I feel about him, or if I think that things can be better with him that we shouldnt go any farther; and I agreed.
But I think I just was so used to being there physically for Justin because he has been through so much, that yes I do miss him but no, I dont miss being with him. I mean somethings. like the sex and laughing and stuff, but the bad always tended to out weigh the good. or it would be good and the be bad and we would have to makeup for the bad. it was more of a cycle. and i think that we both just got so comfortable with each other in the last 4 years that we thought we were all we could do for each other. im just typing what comes off my mind. i just feel weird is the only word i can say right now. i hate being like this. I remember when I was just dating like that faggot taren or anything like that even anyone at all i never had any feelings of like what if this what if that. I guess once you are in a relationship when you get out of it you pick apart everythign else because you never want to be there again. or feel like that and now i catch myself over analyzing so much that i want to have nothing to do with anything or anyone. thats pretty sad. i mean its not i guess its sort of normal or atleast i cant do anything to control it. i love waking up next to kevin but i am so afraid that one day i will wake up and he will be like you know what no, i dont think this is going to work out because i did the same thing to justin well along the same lines, and i havent ever really gotten burned like i did to justin i guess im really guilty about everything. the cheating, me putting my hands on him, the terrible fights everything hiding thigs from him. it was terrible and now i think that i have such remorse that its affecting my relationship with kevin.does that makes sense? who knows. i just feel like i have done wrong and that maybe i dont deserve right, or right cantpossibly be right. i dont know im rambling. but it feels nice to atleast vent it out. It just hurts me to think that Justin cared/cares for me so much and i totally crushed him. i guess im just feeling bad. really bad. and now i hvae this thing going with kevin and im afraid things are going to end up like that. but i dont feel the same way about kevin asi did justin. justin was a friend before anything, and i think really, thats what messed me up. because some of the things that i did for him big or small he never really gave me gratitude for. i dont know i needed this before work. i really actually should have saved it for after work but i ended up sitting down and typing and this came out. sometimes its so unexpected the thigns that i type.
im done for now.